huh...

basically i found out what happened to my little brother a week ago tonight. i havent stopped crying since i got home. i wish i had known. i'm just glad that what happened happened and he is were he is, because basically i dont want to lose another friend. i've lost way too many. and i'm not about to lose him too. well can't cry type anymore. i hope everyone is doing well. call me or what not if anyone wants to talk.

so basically definately for sure

okay, so my computer for sure hates me, along with my ipod. none of my music from my ipod wants to transfer onto my laptop. its sucks, i'm actually pretty mad about it. i think i'm just going to throw the stupid things at brett and be like.... can you fix it? haha. i'm pathetic. i got it the first time, but cant figure it out this time. haha. whatev. on another note....

First Winterguard competition today. we did AWESOME, the 36 hour weekend practice worked really well. for southwest's first year, we placed 2nd and moved up a class into scholastic AAA which is basically as good as you can get without being in independent where those people are CRAZY nazi-ish about colorguard. bad reference, but very true. oh, and i feel like a clown. i've never worn so much makeup in my life. its actually really pretty far away. but up close.... isshhhhhhhh not good. my eyes are like green with lots of eyeliner and glitter, and i have 10x's too much blush, and you can't tell that i have freckles with how much foundation i have on. i'm scared of myself. haha. but it's pretty from far away as i said before.

um. lets see what else. oh, i start at weaver again on tuesday. i dont know whethere to be excited, or depressed about it. i dont know anyone going this semester. its actually really depressing. but whatev again. no real complaints, just means i have to find people to get along with. haha. like that'll happen in my lifetime.

okay, thats it for me, i'm going to bed. its 2:12 according to my clock, therefore, way too late fro me to be up if i plan on going to church in the morning. whoo hooo!!!!

wooT

okay, appologizing for the past...uh, i dont know... year? okay, i'm not really appologizing for what i said, just the way i said it. wrong i know, how i felt, right... at least for me. i guess i needed that stretch to tell me what i need in life, and how i need to find it. and of course... silly me, answer right in front of my face........ GOD. Gosh, i'm such a dork. so, i was reading James the other day... wednesday morning.... for some reason i was thinking about CCC this past summer, and i remembered the bible verse i read on the longest day of my life.... and i remembered how that verse made me feel after i read it. and it was like..... BOOM right in my chest. it was like, God saying.... "hey, i want you to go through this now.... not later.... you wont come back to me if i do this to you later, specially not next year" and i started thinking about me going to college, and i thought about what has been happening in my life for the past year. and slowly but surely, i've doubted more and more, and i've slowly read less and less of my bible until it hit me that for about the past 2 months, i havent even touched my bible. i havent even brought it to church until last week. its been sitting under the seat in the car..... and the fact that for a month i havent shown up to church. and the fact that i'm glad we didnt have youth for the past two weeks, because i've deliberatly asked to be schedueled, so i had an obligation as to why i couldn't go. but there wasn't any youth... so my plan failed for me.... but worked out in the end.... i guess? anyway.... so backing up a bit. so i was reading this verse in james, and its about persistance. and it was like, i'm running a race.... and i HATE running. but it was how brett put it. and then i was talking to Edwin after youth, and he was just saying how he needed to hear that. and i just started thinking about in less than 5 months, i'm no longer going to be a youth. i'm no longer going to be able to have an affect on the people i'm around the most. but i think through this whole struggle that i've been having, with God, and with people. i KNOW its because someone said.... "Man, this girl needs some patience" because i DEFINATELY learned it this past year. i for sure know never to ask for patience, because htere is no way that this situation is happening to me again. no freakin way. but yeah. i think it hit home the most, when edwin said that to me.... because i've liked him for so long, and for him to have said that i helped him.... that mean SOOOOO much to me.... i dont think anyone has any idea.

on another note.... Mrs. Tere gave me her approval of Edwin. that makes me happy. she's the one i was most worried with. i dont know how brett, carrie, or anyone else feels. but mrs. tere has expressed that she like him, thats good, cus i do too. :) well see everyone tomorrow.... well today, if you want to be specific, but who wants to do that? well love everyone and i'm DEEPLY, DEEPLY SORRY. and i will tell you face to face at youth. or i'll write you a letter. because i might be too afraid. but i do love you!

caitlyn, and me with Jason, the lead singer of building 429. he's aweosome.

katie with the bassit, she was trying to act tuff, but freaked out in the middle of the picture. haha.

me and beau, of Need to Breathe. he knows how to work the stage let me tell ya! haha.

me and the bassist of need to breathe... he has gorgeous teeth. for real.

me and scotty of B429, he's awesome... i think i'm in love with him... oh wait, i'm taken ! haha ( i had to fit that in there somewhere.)

me and the drummer of building 429, he's a really short guy. haha... and very sweaty, it was grosse.

me and paul of building 429, we had a nice conversation about our chucks. it was awesome.

ozzy, katie and me before the concert... it was freezing so ozzy was trying to keep me warm.

word

Building 429, need to breathe concert rocked last night. for sure. pictures, obviously posted.... oh , by the way, i have a boyfriend... he's awesome. and love's God. i'm hyped.

yeah, its long, and its how i feel, get over it, or dont read it.

Okay...... this is my realization.............. dont make fun of me, or leave me comments of what i need to do or don't need to do, who i need to listen to, or who i dont... leave a comment of love, or support... don't put me down, and don't empathize, good chance that you have no idea what i really feel, or what i'm going through. don't tell me you know how i feel, because you dont.... now i can get on with my post.....
Okay, I'm a church girl at heart.
this i know for sure...
but i pretend... or don't even pretend anymore...
I dont like church... i dont like religion,
some people have driven me to the point of being agnostic.
i dont like people who are fake about being christian...
that's why i'm writing this post... so that everyone know's that i'm not going to pretend.
i dont like the people who show up to church just to be there...
be there to be there...
dont be there to waste time, because in essance... it wastes my time...
i dont really care who elses time you waste, but dont waste mine.
I'm tired of fake christians. Who you are know who you are...
and dont deny it anymore. fess up and make it known...
your time will come where you have to let your secrets out.
don't go on myspace and post stupid crap like "repost this within 10 mins and God will make a miracle in your life today"
read your bible and get enough facts not to repost that, because you have no idea who is or isn't a christian, but most of all, you have no idea who might be praying for a miracle to happen so that they don't kill themselves that night... they're not christian, they see that post, they repost it, then no miracle... then they hate and curse God because he didn't perform a miracle.....
all you people and you know who i'm talking about... shove it... wherever you want, but dont' post it
dont do what i've been doing for the past year or so,
by hiding behind a mask.
it's not worth it for you,
for the people you love,
and the people you may meet,
because then no one know's who you are, what you want, or anything.
I'm tired of fake fronts,
I'm tired of lies
I'm tired of corruption,
in the government, and in the church
I love life
I will live it to it's fullest
I won't be told i cant fly
because i have wings
I've never stretched my wings because i've had too many expectations on me..
my entire life.
I have humility
I'm showing it now
I'm posting everything that's wrong in my life...
i'm posting everything that bothers me.
I don't like games
and choose not to play...
especially the mind games that go on between friends.
I wont do what people expect me to,
i will do what i feel is right.
because in the end... it's the only way i cannot blame anyone else
dont blame other people for your faults
people know when you lie.
dont get drunk on saturday night... then show up to church on sunday
no one likes seeing someone who has a hangover.
Yes i've lied,
I'm paying for that mistake as we speak
I love leadership, and hope to be in a position one day.
that way i can fix what i feel is wrong.
no one believe's that i can achieve what i strive for.
i will show them they are wrong.
i will because i have will power.
i've been through more crap than i tell you.
no i wont tell you how many time's i've cried myself to sleep.
no i wont tell you how manytime's i've cried on the way home from my favorite place.... church.
no i wont tell you who you are... because you know.
this is not an attack on anyone in particular...
this is how i feel.
if you feel you need to comment,
read the first things i wrote... then think about it... then comment.
because right now, B.S. is not what i want to hear.
if you have a problem with that,
call me, you have my number,
if you don't then you have no reason to complain,
because obviously you dont know me that well then.
so once again,
shove it if you have a problem with reading this if you dont know who i really am.
thanks. and have a great new year.